On the Gayness of Elliot Z

Elliot Z is Jewish. He is also objectively smart and handsome, subjectively funny and charming and perpetually single and sexless. For almost the entire span of our 8 year friendship, I have pondered his bizarre and incomprehensible circumstance to conclude that Elliot is a homosexual.

While I can understand the disbelief or even betrayal many of you (who have probably showered with or slept next to Elliot) are undoubtedly feeling right now, the supporting arguments are numerous and irrefutable.

Shall we begin?

1) Let’s start with the obvious. With is flax colored hair and big baby blues, Elliot is prettier than I am. And I am a not completely unattractive female. In fact, I’m willing to put money on Elliot getting hit on more by drunken frat-tards at Jake’s Dilemma than I would, if we were to put him in drag. The question is, how much would he actually enjoy that?

2) Speaking of how not completely unattractive I am, Elliot has never hit on me once (granted, until the arrival of Rachel on the scene Adam did enough for any 3 drunk republicans), or any of my friends for that matter. In the 8 years that I’ve known him, he has never had a girlfriend, or had sex with anyone about whose existence I’ve seen proof. (Yeah right, he’s banging some shiksa out in California. Sure he is. Ok. You enjoy that, EZ.)

3) Elliot wears tighter clothing than I do. While he always had a penchant for a snug fit, when he came back from his voluntary service in the Israeli military (more on that later), replete with larger, more sculpted and firm muscle groups the shirts got noticeably tighter. To anyone who has been to Chelsea, buff, pretty boys in tight clothing will surely be a familiar picture into which Elliot fits seamlessly.



4) EZdick. Is this a nickname that any self respecting heterosexual would allow people to call them? Of course not. Because Elliot has no self respect, largely due to his closeted homosexuality.

5) I have seen Elliot order and consume pitchers of girly shit that I won’t even touch, such as kamikaze.




6) When Josh presented a Playboy magazine to his roommates on the 8th grade Washington trip, Elliot freaked out while his more normal friends passed the thing around like any other straight 13 year old would have done. Yes. Elliot refused to check out Josh’s pastrami. (What they didn’t know was that while they thought he was in the bathroom crying, he was really wanking it to the thought of Adam’s boner.)


7) If Elliot could be drunk in a toga every day, he would. You know who else loved being drunk in togas? The Romans. You know what else the Romans loved? Man on man butt sex.

(look at me, I’m gay roman Elliot!)





8) Elliot loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers.






9) In High school, Elliot took himself out of the mixed gender environment with notoriously slutty (by Jewish day school standards) girls in favor of a more orthodox, all boys school. In New Jersey. Where he played a lot of sports. You know what high school sports are great for? Touching other guy’s asses and having it be OK.

9) Building on the high school model, Elliot abandoned his career trajectory at the age of 25 in favor of joining the IDF. He CHOSE to join the military. He CHOSE to spend a year and a half of his adult life exercising and getting sweaty with a group lithe, tan 18-25 year old Israeli dudes. Don’t get me wrong, I can totally see the appeal—but let’s again remember that I am a straight female.

10) Fire Island is one giant gay cruising scene where Elliot loves to go—but only with Adam. Never has he taken female friends, whether real or imaginary. Never has he even pretended to. For Elliot, Fire Island is clearly a dudes only thing. Which is fine by me, but let’s call a spade a spade.




While there are numerous other arguments that support my original claim of Elliot’s homosexuality, this should suffice. In thinking back, I’m sure you will recall encounters of your own that in retrospect strike you as more homoerotic that you initially cared to let on. Please feel free to share any ideas about, memories or proofs of Elliot’s gayness.