i got a compression sprain in my left wrist from landing a hook improperly, and have been walking around with this stupid ace bandage for almost 2 weeks.
if anyone asks, i got kicked in the vagina ;)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
On the Gayness of Elliot Z
Elliot Z is Jewish. He is also objectively smart and handsome, subjectively funny and charming and perpetually single and sexless. For almost the entire span of our 8 year friendship, I have pondered his bizarre and incomprehensible circumstance to conclude that Elliot is a homosexual.
While I can understand the disbelief or even betrayal many of you (who have probably showered with or slept next to Elliot) are undoubtedly feeling right now, the supporting arguments are numerous and irrefutable.
Shall we begin?
1) Let’s start with the obvious. With is flax colored hair and big baby blues, Elliot is prettier than I am. And I am a not completely unattractive female. In fact, I’m willing to put money on Elliot getting hit on more by drunken frat-tards at Jake’s Dilemma than I would, if we were to put him in drag. The question is, how much would he actually enjoy that?
2) Speaking of how not completely unattractive I am, Elliot has never hit on me once (granted, until the arrival of Rachel on the scene Adam did enough for any 3 drunk republicans), or any of my friends for that matter. In the 8 years that I’ve known him, he has never had a girlfriend, or had sex with anyone about whose existence I’ve seen proof. (Yeah right, he’s banging some shiksa out in California. Sure he is. Ok. You enjoy that, EZ.)
3) Elliot wears tighter clothing than I do. While he always had a penchant for a snug fit, when he came back from his voluntary service in the Israeli military (more on that later), replete with larger, more sculpted and firm muscle groups the shirts got noticeably tighter. To anyone who has been to Chelsea, buff, pretty boys in tight clothing will surely be a familiar picture into which Elliot fits seamlessly.
4) EZdick. Is this a nickname that any self respecting heterosexual would allow people to call them? Of course not. Because Elliot has no self respect, largely due to his closeted homosexuality.
5) I have seen Elliot order and consume pitchers of girly shit that I won’t even touch, such as kamikaze.
6) When Josh presented a Playboy magazine to his roommates on the 8th grade Washington trip, Elliot freaked out while his more normal friends passed the thing around like any other straight 13 year old would have done. Yes. Elliot refused to check out Josh’s pastrami. (What they didn’t know was that while they thought he was in the bathroom crying, he was really wanking it to the thought of Adam’s boner.)
7) If Elliot could be drunk in a toga every day, he would. You know who else loved being drunk in togas? The Romans. You know what else the Romans loved? Man on man butt sex.
(look at me, I’m gay roman Elliot!)
8) Elliot loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
9) In High school, Elliot took himself out of the mixed gender environment with notoriously slutty (by Jewish day school standards) girls in favor of a more orthodox, all boys school. In New Jersey. Where he played a lot of sports. You know what high school sports are great for? Touching other guy’s asses and having it be OK.
9) Building on the high school model, Elliot abandoned his career trajectory at the age of 25 in favor of joining the IDF. He CHOSE to join the military. He CHOSE to spend a year and a half of his adult life exercising and getting sweaty with a group lithe, tan 18-25 year old Israeli dudes. Don’t get me wrong, I can totally see the appeal—but let’s again remember that I am a straight female.
10) Fire Island is one giant gay cruising scene where Elliot loves to go—but only with Adam. Never has he taken female friends, whether real or imaginary. Never has he even pretended to. For Elliot, Fire Island is clearly a dudes only thing. Which is fine by me, but let’s call a spade a spade.
While there are numerous other arguments that support my original claim of Elliot’s homosexuality, this should suffice. In thinking back, I’m sure you will recall encounters of your own that in retrospect strike you as more homoerotic that you initially cared to let on. Please feel free to share any ideas about, memories or proofs of Elliot’s gayness.
While I can understand the disbelief or even betrayal many of you (who have probably showered with or slept next to Elliot) are undoubtedly feeling right now, the supporting arguments are numerous and irrefutable.
Shall we begin?
1) Let’s start with the obvious. With is flax colored hair and big baby blues, Elliot is prettier than I am. And I am a not completely unattractive female. In fact, I’m willing to put money on Elliot getting hit on more by drunken frat-tards at Jake’s Dilemma than I would, if we were to put him in drag. The question is, how much would he actually enjoy that?
2) Speaking of how not completely unattractive I am, Elliot has never hit on me once (granted, until the arrival of Rachel on the scene Adam did enough for any 3 drunk republicans), or any of my friends for that matter. In the 8 years that I’ve known him, he has never had a girlfriend, or had sex with anyone about whose existence I’ve seen proof. (Yeah right, he’s banging some shiksa out in California. Sure he is. Ok. You enjoy that, EZ.)
3) Elliot wears tighter clothing than I do. While he always had a penchant for a snug fit, when he came back from his voluntary service in the Israeli military (more on that later), replete with larger, more sculpted and firm muscle groups the shirts got noticeably tighter. To anyone who has been to Chelsea, buff, pretty boys in tight clothing will surely be a familiar picture into which Elliot fits seamlessly.
4) EZdick. Is this a nickname that any self respecting heterosexual would allow people to call them? Of course not. Because Elliot has no self respect, largely due to his closeted homosexuality.
5) I have seen Elliot order and consume pitchers of girly shit that I won’t even touch, such as kamikaze.
6) When Josh presented a Playboy magazine to his roommates on the 8th grade Washington trip, Elliot freaked out while his more normal friends passed the thing around like any other straight 13 year old would have done. Yes. Elliot refused to check out Josh’s pastrami. (What they didn’t know was that while they thought he was in the bathroom crying, he was really wanking it to the thought of Adam’s boner.)
7) If Elliot could be drunk in a toga every day, he would. You know who else loved being drunk in togas? The Romans. You know what else the Romans loved? Man on man butt sex.
(look at me, I’m gay roman Elliot!)
8) Elliot loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
9) In High school, Elliot took himself out of the mixed gender environment with notoriously slutty (by Jewish day school standards) girls in favor of a more orthodox, all boys school. In New Jersey. Where he played a lot of sports. You know what high school sports are great for? Touching other guy’s asses and having it be OK.
9) Building on the high school model, Elliot abandoned his career trajectory at the age of 25 in favor of joining the IDF. He CHOSE to join the military. He CHOSE to spend a year and a half of his adult life exercising and getting sweaty with a group lithe, tan 18-25 year old Israeli dudes. Don’t get me wrong, I can totally see the appeal—but let’s again remember that I am a straight female.
10) Fire Island is one giant gay cruising scene where Elliot loves to go—but only with Adam. Never has he taken female friends, whether real or imaginary. Never has he even pretended to. For Elliot, Fire Island is clearly a dudes only thing. Which is fine by me, but let’s call a spade a spade.
While there are numerous other arguments that support my original claim of Elliot’s homosexuality, this should suffice. In thinking back, I’m sure you will recall encounters of your own that in retrospect strike you as more homoerotic that you initially cared to let on. Please feel free to share any ideas about, memories or proofs of Elliot’s gayness.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Sunday, February 03, 2008
lehavdil
the superbowl is on television right now.
at least i think it is, because my friend who is in washington heights just heard screaming in the background at the same time that i, in brooklyn, did.
we may be miles apart, but the superbowl is everywhere.
just like the shechina.
indeed, the superbowl is the yom kippur of sports, as i once heard a clearly psychotic yet seemingly wise man say.
and there's a lot to that comparison:
-people bathe (or don't bathe) ritualistically in preparation for the event.
-not unlike yom kippur, the superbowl has dietary restrictions--against anything that hasn't been deep fried, contain high fructose corn syrup, fake cheese powder or come in a can.
-people reflect over the past season, hoping to grow in their understanding and appreciation for both what has transpired and what is yet to come.
-the people who haven't reflected over the past season show up at the temple (read: sports bar) anyway to go through the motions anyway, feel like part of the herd and hope some good comes of it.
-people wear special garments to identify themselves with the messengers of their deity, be it angels of the lord, or the new york giants...
-the congregation that is the united states of america gathers together, opening their hearts to the sermons of bill belichick and the gospel of budweiser.
i really think there is something to it.
so as i sit here at 10 pm on suberbowl sunday, sober in a quiet apartment, showered and blowdried for tomorrow's promotional video shoot, having enjoyed a fine (Kosher!) dinner at an israeli reastaurant with my father... i can't help but feel a little sacrilegious. like, the american version of if i had snuck a bagel and shmear intended for break fast, as a midnight snack after kol nidre.
at least i think it is, because my friend who is in washington heights just heard screaming in the background at the same time that i, in brooklyn, did.
we may be miles apart, but the superbowl is everywhere.
just like the shechina.
indeed, the superbowl is the yom kippur of sports, as i once heard a clearly psychotic yet seemingly wise man say.
and there's a lot to that comparison:
-people bathe (or don't bathe) ritualistically in preparation for the event.
-not unlike yom kippur, the superbowl has dietary restrictions--against anything that hasn't been deep fried, contain high fructose corn syrup, fake cheese powder or come in a can.
-people reflect over the past season, hoping to grow in their understanding and appreciation for both what has transpired and what is yet to come.
-the people who haven't reflected over the past season show up at the temple (read: sports bar) anyway to go through the motions anyway, feel like part of the herd and hope some good comes of it.
-people wear special garments to identify themselves with the messengers of their deity, be it angels of the lord, or the new york giants...
-the congregation that is the united states of america gathers together, opening their hearts to the sermons of bill belichick and the gospel of budweiser.
i really think there is something to it.
so as i sit here at 10 pm on suberbowl sunday, sober in a quiet apartment, showered and blowdried for tomorrow's promotional video shoot, having enjoyed a fine (Kosher!) dinner at an israeli reastaurant with my father... i can't help but feel a little sacrilegious. like, the american version of if i had snuck a bagel and shmear intended for break fast, as a midnight snack after kol nidre.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
new job
as of january 15th i'm the leasing director for an apartment complex in brooklyn.
while the property itself is no longer subsidized by the government (private ownership has moved through a few different hands over the years), we do accept subsidized housing governmental programs for elligible applicants.
now. today, i got an an email from someone about whether or not we accept section 8 housing--she is looking for an apartment. this email was sent from her BLACKBERRY.
blackberries cost at least 300$. to buy.
to operate them, costs at least 90$ a month.
i cannot afford a blackberry.
so pardon me if i find it a little frustrating that i am being asked for GOVERNEMENT SUBSIDIZED HOUSING on a property where I WORK 6 DAYS A WEEK that is being subsidized by MY TAX DOLLARS with a PHONE I CANNOT AFFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
while the property itself is no longer subsidized by the government (private ownership has moved through a few different hands over the years), we do accept subsidized housing governmental programs for elligible applicants.
now. today, i got an an email from someone about whether or not we accept section 8 housing--she is looking for an apartment. this email was sent from her BLACKBERRY.
blackberries cost at least 300$. to buy.
to operate them, costs at least 90$ a month.
i cannot afford a blackberry.
so pardon me if i find it a little frustrating that i am being asked for GOVERNEMENT SUBSIDIZED HOUSING on a property where I WORK 6 DAYS A WEEK that is being subsidized by MY TAX DOLLARS with a PHONE I CANNOT AFFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
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